It'll get easier, right?

Today, I was doing really well. But, then I got really excited about my brother making it to Phantom camp safely. And for some reason, I feel the immense need right now to call you and talk to you about it...

I have had way too much time to think this week while I've been home, and haven't had a lot to do. I need to get back to Indy, and back to being busy. Life seems to be easier when I don't have time to think much.

Funny how things work out. You didn't think I could live life at 120mph...

It's all I can do now to keep sane and happy.

Quotes To Live By

You make a life out of what you have. Not what you don't have. -Unknown

Sometimes, you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't, you know where you stand. -Unknown

"Life is unfair- sometimes to our advantage, sometimes not. We will all experience disappointments and crushing events somewhere along the way, setbacks for which there is no 'reason,' no one to blame, ... What separates people is not the presence or absence of difficulty, but how they deal with the inevitable difficulties of life." -Jim Collins

there's a crack in everything - that is how the light gets in.  (leonard cohen)

We can't let anyone influence our lives.. 

Because then its not our life. (Unknown)

Faith is just like a muscle, and we have to exercise it, even flex it. Sometimes we have to flex it in difficult situations. 

-David DeNotaris


Wherever you go, go with all your heart.
-Confucius  


You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. 
-Eleanor Roosevelt


Carpe diem- do what scares you.
UNKNOWN

Just thinking and rambling.

The other day I made a goal: not to say your name or talk about you at all for at least 24 hours. I think I made it about 35 hours. It felt really good, but then I felt the immediate need to talk about all the things that I had thought about over those past hours. But, didn't end up saying all of them because I know my friends are more mad at you than I am and don't really want to hear about you, ever.

And, today was kind of a rough day. I've missed you all day. I missed you last night too. I was laying on my sofa, not couch, and thinking about how much extra space there seemed to be. I got to wondering how we ever fit on it lol. Then I just remembered how easy it was to just wrap myself in your arms, and pull in close to you. It wasn't hard to fit us on here at all. I was watching movies all day with my sister today too, and I felt the need to just cuddle up with you the whole time. Being home for the holidays makes me feel like you should be here too, or I should be leaving to go see you soon.

But, the longer I go without seeing you and without talking to you the easier it makes this all.. That feels so weird to say: that I feel better with you not being around, because that's not what I want.

Nothing about this situation is fun or enjoyable. But, I've made the decision that I'm taking this time for me. I've spent so much time in the last few years, and for my whole life for that matter, putting others needs before mine.  That's about to change. I'm taking this time to make me happy. I'm going to remake myself a little too I guess you could say. If you are going to be selfish I am too.

I'm going to be happy with or without you. The first has always, and I'm afraid will always, be the optimal choice. But, things happen for a reason. And, I will not let someone else dictate my life. That is something that I am not willing to do: not now, not ever.

Thank you

The last 5 weeks (yes I know I should stop keeping count, but that's almost impossible right now) have been some of the hardest I've ever had to go through.

But I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been there for me..

Cindy and Vikki: You guys are like mom's to me and I'm so glad to have a pair away from home. It's been so nice to feel like no matter what time a day if I'm on campus I can just come by the office and see you two and it always makes me feel better. You ladies are amazing. Thank you.

The Hochman family: You all have helped me get through so much in the last year. I can't put into words how much it all has meant to me, and how thankful I am for it. You all are like a second family to me.

Shelby: You are by far my best friend in the whole world. Thank you for always being there for me- through everything over the last few years. Thank you for listening me to complain so much that first week, for being there to tell me exactly what I needed hear to be able to get through that first night. It meant so much to me. You're like my sister, and I couldn't be more thankful you are.

Tyler: Thank you for listening to me complain and ramble, try to sort out my thoughts, for making me laugh when I really needed to, and for distracting me so often when my thoughts were taking over. Thank you for not letting me say and do stupid things, and most importantly for theme days :) You have been such a great friend and are like a brother to me now, and I'm so glad I've gotten to know you better through all of this.

Chris: I don't even know where to start. The entire first week I would have been completely lost without you. Thank you for holding a grudge. Thank you for listening to me cry and blabber about absolutely everything. For being my new boyfriend :) You are one of my very best friends and it means the world to me how much you have been there to help me get through this all.

Sarah: You have been another one of those people that has been there for me through so much in the last few years. I'm so thankful for it all, and so glad that we've gotten to be such great friends over the last few years. It means the world to me.

Kate: I am so glad that I took the job at New Pal. You, Tiff, and the girls are so great and I love being there with you all. Thank you for making it such a smooth transition. Thank you for being an amazing friend and really helped me get through the last month too. I'm so glad we have gotten to be such good friends, and have so much fun since I've gotten to NP. I can't wait for more :)

Mom: I can't thank you enough for being the most amazing mother in the entire world! I can't say anything more than that. You simply are amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a better mom, role model, and best friend. I love you so much Mom!

Megan: You are just like Mom. There's not much I can say beside state the fact that I have the best sister in the whole world :) I'm so glad to have such a great sister to help me get through this all. I love you Goose!

Wishful thinking

Last week was a lot harder than I thought it would be. You looked really good. It was so good getting to see you. Even if for most of the evening we spent it pretending we didn't know each other. It felt really good to see you smiling and laughing even if it didn't have anything to do with me. Seeing you happy made me happy that night.

I miss you every day though. Every night I pray for God to help me make it through the next day. I pray for you every night too. To keep you and your family safe. To help you find whatever it is that you are looking for. When I really miss you I pray for God tell you that I'm the right choice. But, I know that's wishful thinking.

One day one of your friends told me they thought you made a huge mistake, and that you really didn't have a good reason. I wish sometimes you thought you did too. But, I don't know how to get past some of the things you said to me that night. I never in a million years thought you would hurt me so badly. I just wish that I could erase it all and rewind time, and go back about 6 months and make a different choice. A choice that I'm pretty sure had I made we would still be together.

There really are no words to explain it all, and how I feel.

I just really miss you tonight. I pretend you miss me too.

But, really it's all just wishful thinking.

Bucket List

Bucket List.

Everything and more that I want to do. 

Still a work in progress..

1.Visit Europe.

2. Visit Sydney, Australia.

3. Go back to Italy.

4. Get married.

5. Honeymoon in a different country. 

6. Graduate college with an undergraduate degree.

7. Graduate with a masters degree. 

8. Learn to snowboard. 

9. Take a cooking class. 

10. Be able to buy a car completely on my own. 

11. Buy a house.

12. Live in downtown Indianapolis. 

13. Go to every continent before I'm 40. 

14. Take a cruise.
15. Have my own color guard. 
16. Take a guard to WGI.
17. Start an Independent winter guard.
18. Have children.
19. Learn how to play the piano.
20. Ride in a hot air balloon.
21. Go scuba diving somewhere exotic.
22. Take a spontaneous trip.
23. Have a girls weekend out of state.
24. Learn Sign Language.
25. Teach in a school district I love.
26. Take a painting class.
27. Paint a picture with my husband and hang it in our house.
28. Ride an elephant. 
29. Ride an elephant for a 2nd time.
30. Ride an elephant for a 3rd time.
31. Spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.
32. Go skydiving.
33. Go para sailing.
34. Sponsor an elephant.
35. Save a life.

Stand tall.

You tried to stand tall, and say what you think.

Well I tried to stand too.. 

Then you said something I would never think.  

You tried to stand tall and do what's right for you.

Did you ever really think 

I was right for you?

You tried to stand tall and hold your ground.

My whole world 

Seemed to crumble all around. 

You tried to stand tall and move on with your life.

But, I know 

You still want me a part of that life. 

I tried to stand tall and move on with my life.

I still pray for you though 

To be in my life. 

I tried to stand tall and know I'll be okay without you.

Yet somehow I think 

I will always miss you.

I tried to stand tall and not say your name.

But that was never something I overcame. 

I tried to stand tall and put on a smile.

I thought about all our good times 

Every once in a while.

I still try to stand tall.

And think
Maybe I can do this all. 

Now I am standing tall and I'm standing proud.

I never fell

At least not all the way down. 

I am standing tall and now I can see

Maybe you weren't 

The right one for me.