The other day I made a goal: not to say your name or talk about you at all for at least 24 hours. I think I made it about 35 hours. It felt really good, but then I felt the immediate need to talk about all the things that I had thought about over those past hours. But, didn't end up saying all of them because I know my friends are more mad at you than I am and don't really want to hear about you, ever.
And, today was kind of a rough day. I've missed you all day. I missed you last night too. I was laying on my sofa, not couch, and thinking about how much extra space there seemed to be. I got to wondering how we ever fit on it lol. Then I just remembered how easy it was to just wrap myself in your arms, and pull in close to you. It wasn't hard to fit us on here at all. I was watching movies all day with my sister today too, and I felt the need to just cuddle up with you the whole time. Being home for the holidays makes me feel like you should be here too, or I should be leaving to go see you soon.
But, the longer I go without seeing you and without talking to you the easier it makes this all.. That feels so weird to say: that I feel better with you not being around, because that's not what I want.
Nothing about this situation is fun or enjoyable. But, I've made the decision that I'm taking this time for me. I've spent so much time in the last few years, and for my whole life for that matter, putting others needs before mine. That's about to change. I'm taking this time to make me happy. I'm going to remake myself a little too I guess you could say. If you are going to be selfish I am too.
I'm going to be happy with or without you. The first has always, and I'm afraid will always, be the optimal choice. But, things happen for a reason. And, I will not let someone else dictate my life. That is something that I am not willing to do: not now, not ever.
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