Things change in a heartbeat

Over the last few weeks things have taken a wonderful turn for the better :)

School is done- finally! Winter guard has started. I've met some great people in the last few weeks, and the more time I spend with them the more I forget about you. And, it makes me glad to forget about you. I've been so much happier without obsessing about the day you told me everything that is wrong with me or that I could do better.  I will still always be thankful for what we had though because you were such a large part of my life for a very long time. You showed me a different side of life that I love, and helped me get through so many things. But, I know now that time is over, and it is time for me to move on to bigger and better things. 

I'm excited to keep moving on, and to start new adventures. 

I'm ready for the next chapter in my life :)

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

I am so incredibly thankful for the people that I have had in my life; past, present, and future. 


I've learned something important from all of them. The thing that I need to remember though is that some people are not meant to stay in your life forever. They serve a purpose, do their job, and then move on. I can't be sad they aren't a part of my life physically anymore though because the things that they have given me I will always have. 


I've had this for a while, and I always seem to stumble across it when times get tough. It always is a good reminder to be thankful for who I have in my life. And right now, I couldn't be more thankful for all of the ones I do. 

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;

to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,

because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

It's funny how things work out.

So almost 10 minutes after I wrote the last post I found something out that just was not what I was expecting to hear. It wasn't anything awful, but not really anything good- not in my eyes. It just was not something that I had ever thought about. It did not turn out to be one of my finest moments haha

But a lot of good came out of that night. I finally started to get angry. I hadn't really gotten angry about this whole thing yet, and I finally did. I never in a million years thought that I would say that I'm glad that this happened, but I think I am. I've really gotten to know myself again over the last 2 months. In this last month I've been a lot happier than I was before, and it had nothing to do with you or what happened. It was because I made the decision to not let things get to me. Things are going pretty well with school, money is always going to be an issue but I'm getting it figured out, I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my friends and met some great new ones too. I'm most definitely coming back into my own.

So I guess I'm almost saying thank you... I'm not exactly sure what for yet lol but I feel like owe you a thank you. If not for the last 2 months for the 3 years before that.

I learn something every time this happens. The first time- to be completely honest. The second- to just be me and not worry so much and just be happy.

I plan on doing exactly that too. I'm just going to be me. I'm not going to worry about the things I have no control over. I'm just going to be happy :)

Positive Thoughts

Things are really starting to turn around :) The days are getting easier, and so are the nights. I have the best friends to thank for that too!

I'm getting ready to wrap up my last semester of classes before I student teach and I seriously cannot believe it. It doesn't seem real that I'm (hopefully) going to have my own classroom by August!

I'm really starting to come back into my own and remember what I love about life, and about myself. I didn't realize how much I had changed and tried to become this person that I thought people wanted me to be over the last 3 years. I try to remind myself everyday that I have to live my life for me and not for anyone else. Otherwise, it's not my life.

Keeping positive has been one of the biggest things that has helped me get through this all. I've had a lot of people in the last month or so thank me for it too.. I was so caught off guard by it. I really did not think that it was going to make a difference to anyone, but I'm glad that I could help others out :)

The whole deal with the positive posts was really my way of trying to remind myself that even though things are happening around me that I don't like and don't understand I don't have to be someone I don't like. There are so many other good things in life that you have to remember. If you look at the bad all the time eventually it is going to consume you. So instead I've spend a lot of time really thinking and focusing on the positive :)

I cannot wait to get this semester wrapped up, and to head home and relax for a little before diving back into winter guard, and getting started in the classroom! So many great things about to start :)

It'll get easier, right?

Today, I was doing really well. But, then I got really excited about my brother making it to Phantom camp safely. And for some reason, I feel the immense need right now to call you and talk to you about it...

I have had way too much time to think this week while I've been home, and haven't had a lot to do. I need to get back to Indy, and back to being busy. Life seems to be easier when I don't have time to think much.

Funny how things work out. You didn't think I could live life at 120mph...

It's all I can do now to keep sane and happy.

Quotes To Live By

You make a life out of what you have. Not what you don't have. -Unknown

Sometimes, you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't, you know where you stand. -Unknown

"Life is unfair- sometimes to our advantage, sometimes not. We will all experience disappointments and crushing events somewhere along the way, setbacks for which there is no 'reason,' no one to blame, ... What separates people is not the presence or absence of difficulty, but how they deal with the inevitable difficulties of life." -Jim Collins

there's a crack in everything - that is how the light gets in.  (leonard cohen)

We can't let anyone influence our lives.. 

Because then its not our life. (Unknown)

Faith is just like a muscle, and we have to exercise it, even flex it. Sometimes we have to flex it in difficult situations. 

-David DeNotaris


Wherever you go, go with all your heart.
-Confucius  


You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. 
-Eleanor Roosevelt


Carpe diem- do what scares you.
UNKNOWN

Just thinking and rambling.

The other day I made a goal: not to say your name or talk about you at all for at least 24 hours. I think I made it about 35 hours. It felt really good, but then I felt the immediate need to talk about all the things that I had thought about over those past hours. But, didn't end up saying all of them because I know my friends are more mad at you than I am and don't really want to hear about you, ever.

And, today was kind of a rough day. I've missed you all day. I missed you last night too. I was laying on my sofa, not couch, and thinking about how much extra space there seemed to be. I got to wondering how we ever fit on it lol. Then I just remembered how easy it was to just wrap myself in your arms, and pull in close to you. It wasn't hard to fit us on here at all. I was watching movies all day with my sister today too, and I felt the need to just cuddle up with you the whole time. Being home for the holidays makes me feel like you should be here too, or I should be leaving to go see you soon.

But, the longer I go without seeing you and without talking to you the easier it makes this all.. That feels so weird to say: that I feel better with you not being around, because that's not what I want.

Nothing about this situation is fun or enjoyable. But, I've made the decision that I'm taking this time for me. I've spent so much time in the last few years, and for my whole life for that matter, putting others needs before mine.  That's about to change. I'm taking this time to make me happy. I'm going to remake myself a little too I guess you could say. If you are going to be selfish I am too.

I'm going to be happy with or without you. The first has always, and I'm afraid will always, be the optimal choice. But, things happen for a reason. And, I will not let someone else dictate my life. That is something that I am not willing to do: not now, not ever.

Thank you

The last 5 weeks (yes I know I should stop keeping count, but that's almost impossible right now) have been some of the hardest I've ever had to go through.

But I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been there for me..

Cindy and Vikki: You guys are like mom's to me and I'm so glad to have a pair away from home. It's been so nice to feel like no matter what time a day if I'm on campus I can just come by the office and see you two and it always makes me feel better. You ladies are amazing. Thank you.

The Hochman family: You all have helped me get through so much in the last year. I can't put into words how much it all has meant to me, and how thankful I am for it. You all are like a second family to me.

Shelby: You are by far my best friend in the whole world. Thank you for always being there for me- through everything over the last few years. Thank you for listening me to complain so much that first week, for being there to tell me exactly what I needed hear to be able to get through that first night. It meant so much to me. You're like my sister, and I couldn't be more thankful you are.

Tyler: Thank you for listening to me complain and ramble, try to sort out my thoughts, for making me laugh when I really needed to, and for distracting me so often when my thoughts were taking over. Thank you for not letting me say and do stupid things, and most importantly for theme days :) You have been such a great friend and are like a brother to me now, and I'm so glad I've gotten to know you better through all of this.

Chris: I don't even know where to start. The entire first week I would have been completely lost without you. Thank you for holding a grudge. Thank you for listening to me cry and blabber about absolutely everything. For being my new boyfriend :) You are one of my very best friends and it means the world to me how much you have been there to help me get through this all.

Sarah: You have been another one of those people that has been there for me through so much in the last few years. I'm so thankful for it all, and so glad that we've gotten to be such great friends over the last few years. It means the world to me.

Kate: I am so glad that I took the job at New Pal. You, Tiff, and the girls are so great and I love being there with you all. Thank you for making it such a smooth transition. Thank you for being an amazing friend and really helped me get through the last month too. I'm so glad we have gotten to be such good friends, and have so much fun since I've gotten to NP. I can't wait for more :)

Mom: I can't thank you enough for being the most amazing mother in the entire world! I can't say anything more than that. You simply are amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a better mom, role model, and best friend. I love you so much Mom!

Megan: You are just like Mom. There's not much I can say beside state the fact that I have the best sister in the whole world :) I'm so glad to have such a great sister to help me get through this all. I love you Goose!

Wishful thinking

Last week was a lot harder than I thought it would be. You looked really good. It was so good getting to see you. Even if for most of the evening we spent it pretending we didn't know each other. It felt really good to see you smiling and laughing even if it didn't have anything to do with me. Seeing you happy made me happy that night.

I miss you every day though. Every night I pray for God to help me make it through the next day. I pray for you every night too. To keep you and your family safe. To help you find whatever it is that you are looking for. When I really miss you I pray for God tell you that I'm the right choice. But, I know that's wishful thinking.

One day one of your friends told me they thought you made a huge mistake, and that you really didn't have a good reason. I wish sometimes you thought you did too. But, I don't know how to get past some of the things you said to me that night. I never in a million years thought you would hurt me so badly. I just wish that I could erase it all and rewind time, and go back about 6 months and make a different choice. A choice that I'm pretty sure had I made we would still be together.

There really are no words to explain it all, and how I feel.

I just really miss you tonight. I pretend you miss me too.

But, really it's all just wishful thinking.

Bucket List

Bucket List.

Everything and more that I want to do. 

Still a work in progress..

1.Visit Europe.

2. Visit Sydney, Australia.

3. Go back to Italy.

4. Get married.

5. Honeymoon in a different country. 

6. Graduate college with an undergraduate degree.

7. Graduate with a masters degree. 

8. Learn to snowboard. 

9. Take a cooking class. 

10. Be able to buy a car completely on my own. 

11. Buy a house.

12. Live in downtown Indianapolis. 

13. Go to every continent before I'm 40. 

14. Take a cruise.
15. Have my own color guard. 
16. Take a guard to WGI.
17. Start an Independent winter guard.
18. Have children.
19. Learn how to play the piano.
20. Ride in a hot air balloon.
21. Go scuba diving somewhere exotic.
22. Take a spontaneous trip.
23. Have a girls weekend out of state.
24. Learn Sign Language.
25. Teach in a school district I love.
26. Take a painting class.
27. Paint a picture with my husband and hang it in our house.
28. Ride an elephant. 
29. Ride an elephant for a 2nd time.
30. Ride an elephant for a 3rd time.
31. Spend New Year's Eve in Times Square.
32. Go skydiving.
33. Go para sailing.
34. Sponsor an elephant.
35. Save a life.

Stand tall.

You tried to stand tall, and say what you think.

Well I tried to stand too.. 

Then you said something I would never think.  

You tried to stand tall and do what's right for you.

Did you ever really think 

I was right for you?

You tried to stand tall and hold your ground.

My whole world 

Seemed to crumble all around. 

You tried to stand tall and move on with your life.

But, I know 

You still want me a part of that life. 

I tried to stand tall and move on with my life.

I still pray for you though 

To be in my life. 

I tried to stand tall and know I'll be okay without you.

Yet somehow I think 

I will always miss you.

I tried to stand tall and not say your name.

But that was never something I overcame. 

I tried to stand tall and put on a smile.

I thought about all our good times 

Every once in a while.

I still try to stand tall.

And think
Maybe I can do this all. 

Now I am standing tall and I'm standing proud.

I never fell

At least not all the way down. 

I am standing tall and now I can see

Maybe you weren't 

The right one for me. 

I know I don't understand, but I wish I could

So many people do things nowadays that I wish I could hear their thoughts and understand why.

Why would you steal something that doesn't belong to you, and then insist that it's yours?

Why would you not tell your children you're getting married?

Why would you hide how you're feeling knowing that someone else is basing their life off your lies?

Life is complicated no matter what. But, hiding the truth just makes it even more complicated.

I know I don't understand...

But, I wish I could...

Don't play with the DAWGS if you're afraid to get bit..

To everyone that thought that Butler was this rinky dink little school: 
Let me just remind you what has happened over the past year.

We made it all the way to the NCAA National Championship game in 2010, and lost by ONE point to Duke..
And now we've once again made it to the Championship game where we are going to play UCONN..

Now- I'm not an expert on basketball or anything, but I'm going to say the being the only school not a 1- or 2- seed team to make it to the Final Four two years in a row, or to be the only team from the Final Four last year to return is nothing more than what Butler is all about.

Butler is nothing short of exceptional. We pride ourselves in being the best at what we do, and not letting anything stop us or get in our way. that is exactly what our boys have set out to show to the world.

So a little advise.. Don't play with the dawgs if you're afraid to get bit.

She says this..

So today was an absolutely amazing day! The weather was semi decent- I Dear Weather'd :) I got a small work out in, showered, and then my day really began. For those of you who don't know who Taylor Mali is.. SHAME ON YOU! Go look him up right now on youtube or anything! Read his poetry and especially watch him perform it. He is absolutely amazing.

But, tonight I was given the amazing opportunity to have dinner with him, some Butler COE faculty and another student. I also got to see him perform at Butler University in Indianapolis for free. Not only was dinner at one of my new favorite restaurants, Binkley's, but the conversation was hysterical. It was so nice to meet this idol I had built up in my mind, and discover he was really as awesome as he seemed! He told some dirty jokes, and one about the new "that's what she said" which is apparently "like my sex." He told us about a Russian friend who every time he tried to say that's what she said always said "she says this." He really is as funny in general conversation as he is in his poetry. We discussed the difference between "nerds" and "geeks." Declared a nerd of the day. He told us about his wife, and his late wife. He was just this normal guy who was looking to try to make a difference in the world.. One 8th grader at a time. It was so inspiring.

At the performance he did some of his most famous pieces, and most romantic. He stole my glasses off of my face as a prop haha. He told the audience he had the poem memorized, but it just looks better when he's reciting it if he has a book and glasses. So he walk right up to me (sitting in the 2nd seat in the first row) and reached for the glasses I was wearing. He looked right through them, and told me I must be blind as a bat. It's a good thing he had that thing memorized! He told an awful joke about Easter that was hysterical. He made a remark that was a perfect "she said this" line and so I said, "she says this" lol and he laughed and then shared the joke with the rest of audience. Finally, at the end of the night after all the merchandise he brought had been sold, and after everyone else got their pictures with him and his autographs it was my turn.

He was so real and genuine when talking with my friend and I. He personalized an inscription in his book I already owned, took pictures with us, and gave us advice for when we become a teachers. He joked around with us like he's known us forever. It was AWESOME! The weather was so nice when I came out of the performance I almost walked home. Had it not been dark, and 10pm I would have lol

I feel like such a little kid :) But, it was so much fun!! If anyone ever gets the chance to see him perform I would strongly recommend it.

Blood isn't always thicker than water

You always hear the phrase "Blood is thicker than water" but I'm not really sure how true that is.. The people that have always been there for me in my life aren't all family, and some of my family hardly seem to care what I do. Yesterday was a big reminder of this. I found out some semi shocking news about a family member, and just did not know what to do. I thought, "You have got to be kidding me? We're family.. Families are supposed to share big news, not hide it."

I spent half of the day crying, and the other half of the day trying to decide if I wanted to cry or if I wanted to scream. All day long though I just wanted to forget that the whole thing had ever happened. But, the best part about my day was that the people who truly are close to me, and care about me were there for me. They didn't have to say are you ok? They knew I wasn't. They didn't have to say anything really. They knew just sitting on the phone with me helped, or that telling me about rehearsal would help keep my mind off it. They are my life lines. Another person invited me over for dinner with their family hoping to keep my mind busy. It was so nice to feel so surrounded by people that care when the one person I wanted to care reminded me once again that they don't.

So for everyone that thinks they have it tough, and that nothing works out for them- just think about the person you call when things get rough. Remind yourself that you could be going through these rough times with out them. Be thankful for the friends, and family that support you. Not everyone has someone to lean on.

Thank you Trevor for always being my rock. Thank you Chris and Shelby for always being such amazing friends. Thank you to the Hochmans for inviting me for dinner. And, the biggest thank you goes to my mother, Shelley, who has always been there for me and supported me no matter what. You're my best friend, and I'm so thankful I have the most amazing mom in the world. I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without any of you.